Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.