I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
channeling her this year
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME (calling my horse with no name):
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud