going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Can Happiness buy money?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Not even remotely sorry.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?