Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes