So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
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instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Watermelon Boss!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.