Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.