john wicks are toilet candles
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
same bro
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.