The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
this is what they would have looked like, though
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.