A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Nigella has gone too far this time.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Good morning, Twitter x
The options really are this bad
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.