Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
#ParentingFacts
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”