In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”