I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
You Might Also Like
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
This is true.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.