How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
58.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
How do dragons blow out candles?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people