[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.