I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
This will never not be funny 😭
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross