can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
i made a craigslist ad !
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.