I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T