Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
hmmm
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
me: my friends:
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*