Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel