If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
FINE, I WON’T.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.