Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.