Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
You Might Also Like
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
the world’s most popular steaming services
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.