My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Sounds like a bargain
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.