*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I drew y’all a little something.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?