DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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i hate you platonically
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
cry laughing at this shit
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.