There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Stop it! 😂
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.