Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
dude it’s called proctologist
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%