Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You Might Also Like
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
this has to be peak English
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.