[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
lol
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.