My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Going into Monday like
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.