You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Meanwhile in Portland…
An odd boast
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.