opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!