me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways