I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Time for evil
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own