I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.