People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
![]()
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
![]()
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Always a metermaid never a meter
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up