You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.