*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Happy Thanksgiving
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.