[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that