“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Worst bar ever.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right