ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Simple
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Just parrot things
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
You are not alone 💚
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches