good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME