trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.