Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Mission: Impossible
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.