me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
philosophical skeletons be like
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.