yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like theyβve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I SHOULDNβT NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and donβt spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: πΆ Don’t you forget about me πΆ
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Sign of the day..
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. π΅βπ«
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.