Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.