ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc