My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
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Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
This made me chuckle cuz mood
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.