I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
You Might Also Like
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Something Saturday.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.